In a discussion on one of the mailing lists I host, someone reforwarded the infamous NPR/PBS funding petition spam. This variant said "Add your name at the bottom. If you're the 150th, 200th, 250th recipient, send a copy to..."
I pointed out the obvious mathematical fallacy, and someone replied that I should put down my calculator and join the world. My response:
[brief static as the microphone button is depressed] *DAN, PUT DOWN THE CALCULATOR AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP* [static]
[pause]
*DAN, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE*
"You'll never take me alive copper!"
*LOOK, DAN, WE KNOW YOU'RE DISILLUSIONED WITH THE POLITICAL PROCESS, AND WE KNOW THAT YOU BELIEVE THAT EDUCATION SHOULD PROVIDE MEMBERS OF THE SOCIETY WITH THE TOOLS TO MAKE ANALYTIC RATIONAL DECISIONS, BUT WE HAVE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP*
"But... But... if I come out there, you're going to make me get a WebTV address... I'll be sending money to the people who mail out 'make money fast' spam..."
*THAT'S NOT TRUE, WE CAN GET YOU YOUR OWN AOL ACCOUNT. YOU'LL BE A PART OF THE CULTURE, A REAL CONSUMER, WE'LL EVEN LET YOU VOTE SO YOU CAN FEEL LIKE YOU'RE MAKING A DIFFERENCE*
"But I won't be..."
*BUT YOU AREN'T NOW. YOU'RE SO JADED YOU WON'T EVEN PASS ON SPAM ABOUT WORTHY CAUSES.*
"Oh. Let me think about it."
[pause]
"Wait a minute, I have to try this out: 'S3Nd m3 W2r3z -n- pR0n 51t3z, d00dZ. pLz 4wrd th1s 2 evry1 u N0.' Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this. One more: '*me too*', no, wait, I got that wrong, I didn't quote a hundred line message in its entirety first."
*THAT'S OKAY, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES. WE'LL HELP TRAIN YOU TO BECOME A PASSIVE CONSUMER. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND TV SITCOMS, SIT TRANSFIXED AND LAUGH AT THE SAME JOKE TOLD FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, UNDERSTAND THAT THIS TIME IT'S DIFFERENT BECAUSE THE SHOW HAS A DIFFERENT NAME AND DIFFERENT ACTORS. NOW, COME OUT HERE SO WE CAN REPLACE THOSE SANDALS WITH NIKES MADE IN A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY RUN BY A DICTATOR WHO GIVES US CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS AND GIVE YOU A T-SHIRT WITH SOME CORPORATE ADVERTISING ON IT.*
"dANlYKE@webt... No, wait, I just can't go through with this." [BANG]
*Okay guys, pack it in. Send in the medics to mop up what's left. A damned shame, a few years with him and we could have had him voting for candidates who were electable.*
Tuesday, October 06th, 1998 danlyke@flutterby.com