Flutterby™! : Kids, and the lack thereof 2003-04-23 14:36:10.360776+00

Kids, and the lack thereof

2003-04-23 14:36:10.360776+00 by Dan Lyke 11 comments

I think we're going to send Forest back to his mom this weekend. We're not getting anything accomplished in our own lives, and this really isn't the right environment for him; to be fair to him we'd have to be willing to make a longer term commitment to hold onto him so he could develop friends, and we'd make certain choices about his upbringing in different ways than his mom has, changes that we can't really implement in an open-ended few weeks.

With that as a theme, Tara Calishain (of, among other things, Research Buzz fame) passed along confirmation that not having children doesn't make you lonely in your old age (yes, excessive use of "not", consider myself chastized), and a new permanent conception control option approved by the FDA back in November of last year that's being pitched as less invasive than tubal ligation, coils implanted in the fallopian tubes, brand name Essure.

"One reason is that some people without children are able to maintain social ties throughout their lives that may substitute for what children would have given them, Koropeckyj-Cox said."

Yes - and some people with children are nevertheless able to maintain social ties throughout their lives that may substitute for the opportunities and freedoms they sacrificed in order to have those children... but I'm certainly not willing to take those odds.

Fascinating. It never occurred to me that having kids was supposed to be from some desire to be not lonely in my old age. Is that supposed to be one of the motivators for procreating?

I know I'm somewhat in a minority here (or perhaps it's a silent majority; uh, gee, did I actually *say* that, after growing up under Nixon?!), but I had kids because I thought it would be rewarding to show the world to someone who hadn't seen it before. To share my knowledge and excitement and enthusiasm and joy with someone whose face would light up like a thousand roman candles at the first glimpse of a firefly. To experience the sheer look of awe and reverence when they saw their first meteor shower. To drown in the shouts of glee and the completely unfettered and uninhibited peals of laughter and giggling at the silly faces people can make at each other. Those are the sorts of things my children have given me in the past, as they add new perspectives to my perceptions of current events and our shared future now that they are older.

I have been exhausted and exasperated at times by having two children in my life, yes, but I have also been expanded immeasurably by sharing my life with them and preparing them to contribute themselves to the world. Watching them grow into the adults they will soon be, has no parallel in the world of adult friends I also maintain. (Aside: most of the adults I know have also exasperated and/or exhausted me from time to time. I think that's just how life's cycle goes between any two people.)

Life is a gift. Literally giving that gift to someone else has been an indescribeable blessing (and I don't throw that word around lightly). There is little I would change about the experience. (Except that I've foregone Burning Man when I had a chance to go the last couple years, because it was the first week of school. In several more years, I won't have that to concern myself with anymore, so look for me there, twirling in the moonlight, having raised the children in my life into young adults and proudly launched them into the future, while continuing to launch myself.) Speaking solely for myself, I will never regret having taken those odds.

(PS: I found tubal ligation to be surprisingly trouble-free and very nearly painless. But of course, YMMV.)

To experience the sheer look of awe and reverence when they saw their first meteor shower. To drown in the shouts of glee and the completely unfettered and uninhibited peals of laughter and giggling at the silly faces people can make at each other.

What I'm confused about is why you would think you need children for that. (I'm not trying to be argumentative or nasty, I really don't get that.) I agree wholeheartedly that such experiences are wonderful, but I've also gotten them from my wife and friends. One of the fondest memories I have from early in our relationship is the first time I took her hiking - and reveled in the wonder on her face and excitement in her voice.

Excellent!! I'm so glad you have adult friends and family members who haven't lost that childlike sense of wonder! That's what we should all strive for, I think, and it's all too rare that we allow ourselves that freedom, unfortunately. I just feel privileged to have experienced it with a couple small people who were truly uninhibited and approaching life situations with an innocence that most of us have lost or guarded. It has reinforced my surety that this is part of what makes life so special, and should be nurtured in all of us.

(I expected precisely this response from someone, by the way. Thanks for not disappointing me, Shawn. :-)

(PS: I'm not really sure what motivated my long-winded outburst last night. I guess I was feeling rhapsodical and just stumbled in here at the wrong [right?] time. Don't you all feel so special now? :-)

It was a beautiful outburst. Am caught in the middle: have adult friends I experience many of these things with, and two step-daughters as well. A frustrating son, brought into this world for the wrong reasons, gives weight to the idea that not all should reproduce.

Diane, you and I disagree on a great many things but not Children. In all ventures of life they are the most extreme in things(good and bad). Thank you for your rant.

Shawn, since you have a Significant Other I'll try to draw on that. Because you and her have become close over time you have an empathic bond that enhances experiences shared together. That's peanuts compared to explaining to your daughter what the moon is and seeing that she really get's it.

Dan, I find it to be an amazing conundrum knowing that you'd actually be a great parent. I am amazed at the amount of patience you show adults(more than I have). If forest

boomerangs back I got the spare room for ya.

Hmmm. I feel my disinclination toward parenthood so strongly that I have a hard time not projecting it onto the rest of the human race. Thanks for reminding me that there are rewards, even if they're not the ones I would seek, and that parenthood is not a thing to pity.

Mars, I find that people that become parents a little later, and make a choice about it (Lifestyle, Commitment, $$) have a much different experience, and the kids are much different people that those 'accidental young parent' kind of kids. Of course, there are exceptions both ways.. Your time may yet come.

The gospel music thread and subsequent religion discussion reminded me of a comparison that might let some of the childed here understand why us childfree tend to view our (non)actions as a movement: Not having children in this culture is like being atheist in Chattanooga Tennessee.

My lack of religion really hasn't been much of an issue out here in the Bay Area, but back in 'nooga us atheists tended to band together because we needed the acknowledgement of our beliefs in a culture that was very much unaccepting of our views. That same sense of overwhelming cultural pressure pervades the whole "children or not" decision.

As a Monk in the Cult of the Child Owners I totally see your point(I think). The reverse is true as well parents tend to click well with parents of children around the same age as a support network. Sometimes you'll get a sadness vibe and mistake it for an attempt to coerce you to the otherside. I don't think it's that at all but it's like having a friend that is a world class swimmer that could go to the olympics but decides to run his Dad's hardware store instead.

"it's like having a friend that is a world class swimmer that could go to the olympics but decides to run his Dad's hardware store instead. "

Wow; the fact that that statement could apply to either 'side' really highlights what a ... tense ... issue this can become. On the one hand, it can be interpreted as "you'd make such a great parent, why are you wasting time on these frivolities." Or it could be interpreted as, "You have so much to contribute to the world, why are you letting children suck up all of your excess energy, time, and resources?"